Today I had a bad day. Not all of it. Around 2pm I could feel the slippery slope of my mind start to take effect. Before I knew it, I was distracted, tired and a little bit too grumpy. I basically became my grandad.

Thankfully a friend covered the rest of my shift at work and I could leave. I love my job, but tonight I just wasn’t there. Mentally.

As always the best part of my day is down to Amy 💞 I’m so blessed to have her in my life.

Hoping for a better tomorrow.

Stay positive. It can’t stay bad forever.

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I’ve been taking some time out to work towards my goals and to get better in the “eating all my dinner” category.

Well I dyed my hair. Pink, I love everything pink…I’m quite girly, but i’d still throat punch a cunt if I have to. I think pink ticks the obscene hair colour box.

Today I started my sleeve. I’m actually so proud of myself. I managed a four hour session. It may not sound like much, but to me it’s a huge deal. I’m so in love with the start of it and I can’t wait for the end result 😍 it’s a full literature sleeve. Featuring some of my favourite books…The Bell Jar, To Kill A Mockingbird, Sherlock Holmes..words can’t describe how fucking happy I am😍

As for leaving the house, I spend my time with my two favourite people. Amy and Res 💞 I had the best catch up with Amy last week: yes we work together..but we rarely get to gossip/chat. And tomorrow, we’re all getting together for lunch. They’re my favourite humans and I wouldn’t be where I am without their love and support 💞

I’ve taken a mini break from my studies as I feel I can’t do too much in a short space of time. One step at a time. That’s all I can do. I still read a lot of my physics books though. I’m also forever writing ideas for my book. I’m yet to piece them together though.

As for eating. I’ve taken a huge step in this. Because I’m happy, I’ve actually been in the right mind to eat. Strange I know. Well I’m not a food blogger, but the saviour dish was a burger. Simple, filling and oh yeah, the best burger in Newquay. Reefs is the place. And Nadine is an absolute delight 💞 if you haven’t been. Just go.

And last but not least…yes I know I waffle on, but seriously, this is the only way to get my thoughts out of my head and if you’ve hung on this long, one more paragraph about the funniest, most charming, most gorgeous person I’ve met.

In the title for this post it says “Day Dreams” and that’s what I’ve been doing…for a while now. Submerged in my pool of happiness, if I was an emoji, I’d be this 😍, fucking well cheesy I know. I have a good feeling about this. 💞💞

Literally cant contain my happiness.

So this is what I’ve been up to these past few weeks. I’ve come so far, and I couldn’t of done it without my favourites around me. I’m blessed. My future is bright and I couldn’t be happier.

Stay happy. If I can turn around, so can you 😘👐🏻👌🏼

I’m forever asked;

How do you stay so skinny?

How are you still a size 6?

I wonder if I do what you do then I’ll lose weight and be happier?

STOP. JUST FUCKING STOP.

So the answer to how I stay skinny. Simple. I don’t eat. No I don’t have anorexia. This is just a small part of my mental health. I never feel the need to eat big meals. My appetite has disappeared over the last year. I’d happily live off toast.

So no. If you did this, you’d end up in hospital. It won’t help you. It won’t make you feel good and healthy. Yes you’d be skinny. Yes you’d lose weight. But at the cost of feeling drained, sick and just not all together there. If you catch my drift.

I’d give anything to be able to eat properly. To put weight on etc. But right now it’s impossible.

The only time I can eat at least half of a meal is when I’ve had a smoke. Yes I smoke weed.

I stopped eating properly about a year ago. In April I found out the best news, I was pregnant. So I started to force myself to eat healthy. If not for my sake then for the baby’s. Unfortunately circumstances changed. And in July I was no longer going to be a mother. That’s when it hit me hard. And since then I haven’t eaten a full meal.

So I urge you, if you want to lose weight, then go about it the right way. Go to the gym. Go for long walks. Eat healthy. But definitely eat.

My aim was never to lose weight. To be honest I’m not sure what my aim was. I just gave up. And now I’m stuck in this rut. So please don’t do this.

On a happier and healthier note. Chapter 4 of my book is complete and I’m now currently studying for my 6th test in physics. Back to basics with the periodic table. Wish me luck. I think I’ll need it.

Happy Match Day to all you football fans. I hope your team does well. Unless you’re Ipswich (sorry I’m a Stoke fan).

Have a top day. 😘

Metaphorically speaking, in a black hole.

Just before Christmas, I had an accident. Ironically, the biggest book I own fell off my shelf and knocked me for six, damaging my head and along with it the left hand side of my body. This basically involves involuntary shaking and severe pain down the left side of my body.

The treatment I received had bad side effects including migraines and it also made my anxiety a lot worse. This also includes a low attention span and I became a lot more restless with situations I felt I couldn’t control and on top of that no sleep.

Why am I writing this?

Because this was the gravitational pull of my black hole experience. It was the start of me going off the rails. And at that point didn’t see a way back on.

I spent my days working and locking myself away from people. And when I did socialise, it was the sesh. Not exactly healthy.

My mental health took a massive blow and I’m now hopeful that I’ll get better.

So basically my apologies for not writing in the past months. I am trying to get back to it.

Now I don’t believe in resolutions. But I do believe in lists. List of things I want to accomplish this year. Basically my own personal goals.

Are you still there?

Good.

My goals are as follows, and I’ll be writing my experiences and blunders whilst attempting to pull myself back to reality and complete them;

1. Write at least half of my book.

2. Get a sleeve tattoo.

3. Dye my hair and obscene colour just because.

4. At least one of my days off a week, I will leave my house.

5. Finish physics course.

I think that’s enough to start with.

Start small and then add later.

Small accomplishments. A little at a time.

Happy Monday.

Have a golden day.

P.s. Thank you to my faves for helping me through this. Amy, Mel and Ash. I will forever love you guys.

P.p.s Quite possibly my first and only post with no swearing.

One word for this. Bullshit.

I have never once read my stars and thought “wow, this is so true”. Actually every single one I’ve read has been utter fucking bollocks.

Now I’m not saying that’s the same for everyone.. but I just don’t get the fuss. Or maybe my mind isn’t as open as I thought?

Let me break this down for you. I’m an Aries and the picture at the top of this post is apparently me. I’m going to play a little game of Spot the Difference between me and a typical Aries.

Hopefully if you’re still here at then end of this post, I applaud you. Also you’ll have some understanding of why I think star signs are bollocks;

1. Suave and Compromising. 😆 – the dictionary definition of suave is ‘Charming, Confident and Elegant’, did I suddenly turn into the female James Bond? And I have never compromised on anything, the reason I’m currently single.

2. Funny and Humorous. – my idea of humour is a classic dad joke. Not exactly Rhodd Gilbert.

3. Very talkative. – well the only time I never shut up is when I’m typing and that’s just the voices in my head reading what I’m typing. My voice remains silent. Unless singing in the shower counts, I’m not a very good conversationalist.

4. Calm and Cool. 😂😂 – 100% not. I’m a clumsy mess pretty much all the time.

5. Kind and sympathetic. – this one I can’t argue with. I can be kind and sympathetic in the right situation. But the rest of the time I’m just a dickhead.

6. Concerned and detailed. – I’m pretty much laid back, I don’t concern myself with much, generally because I couldn’t give a fuck about many people anymore. Detailed is a difficult one..i don’t tell all details of things because that’s private..but I do detail most of my posts. I’m on the fence with that one.

7. Loyal. – I’m loyal to those who are loyal to me. As I’m sure most of you are.

8. Does work well with others. – in my job yes. Anything else, fuck no. Building Lego? Do not fucking try and help. Cooking dinner? Stay the fuck out of my kitchen.

9. Very confident. – I’ve got as much confidence in myself as Manchester United fans have in their team finishing in the top four this season.

10. Sensitive. – what a load of bollocks. I have a ‘couldn’t give a shit’ attitude. Why? you ask…I’m a simple human. I need food, water, animals, Marvel and my few close friends to keep me happy. I’m actually happy with my life.

11. Positive Attitude. – I definitely can’t argue with this one. Zero negative energy.

12. Thinking Generous. – Christmas and Birthdays. Standard human. I’m not very generous with my time. I like to be alone most of the time. No fucking dramas 😂

13. Good Memory. – considering I scrolled up to check the next point I was analysing, scrolled down and then had to scroll back up to check again should justify this one.

14. Clever and Knowledgeable. – clever, yes. Many ways. However knowledgeable, in a few subjects, but not in a lot more. Basically I ain’t fucking Einstein, but I ain’t Joey Essex either. I just read a lot. 📖

15. Loves To Look For Information. – only on conspiracy theories and cake recipes. I actually believe in some weird shit.. but we’ll get to that in the next few months.

16. Able To Cheer Everyone up/or make them laugh. – very occasionally. And it’s only when I do something so fucking stupid and blonde that makes people laugh.

17. Able To Movivate oneself and others. – fuck no. I have little motivation. Usually on my days off work i sit in my room writing and watching films. Usually baked out of my head. Basically I’m a lazy fucker. 90% of the time.

18. Understanding. – depending on what situation it is. Sometimes it takes me a while to understand things. Mainly other people’s views. Just because I accept it doesn’t mean I fully understand their way of thinking.

19. Fun To Be Around. – well this really isn’t for me to judge. I actually have no idea if I am fun to be around because I’ve never asked anyone that question. And do you know Why? Because I couldn’t give a fuck about what people think. I am me and I’m incapable of change.

20. Outgoing. – well I’m a fucking introvert. I prefer the comfort of my four walls and headphones. The only way I can be perceived as outgoing is when I’m at work. And that is 90% an act for the customers. The service industry is one big production with me playing Mrs Nice.

21. Hyper. – depending on how many Red Bull I have sank. But I’m never as hyper as a 4 year old on skittles.

21. Bubbly Personality. – where I’m from, if you say someone is bubbly. You’re saying they’re fat. So no. I’m a size 6 and staying this way.

22. Secretive. – in my life yes. In here hell no. I plan on telling you guys pretty much everything. Uncensored and open to the world.

23. Boy/Girl Crazy. – no. Just no. I’ve had my share of heartbreak and I no longer want to involve myself in anything with another person. Not yet anyway.

24. Loves Sports, Music, Lesuire and Travelling. – half true. Live for football and ice hockey. Love You Me At Six, Bon Jovi etc. And definitely love The Vengaboys I mean who doesn’t? Travelling and Lesuire… I’m way too lazy for that. 😂🛏💤

25. Systematic. – there is no system to life. No right way of going about it. No systems here. Just winging it.

26. Hot But Has Brains. – now this is where you find out that I’m incredibly vain. Yes I’m hot. I would rate myself 8/10 mainly because being a short arse and not being very girly brings me down 2 points. And has brains? Yeah everyone does. But referring to me being clever again. We all know I am. So again I can’t argue with this point.

So if you’ve held on and read all of those points, I applaud you. Go get yourself some congratulatory cake.

As you can see. I agree with 4 or 5 points out of 26. If that was the odds of surviving a surgery, you’d be dead.

Moral of this post. I am me. You are you. You are not constricted by an agenda because you were born in a certain month.

Have a fucking fantastic day.

Off to work on my day off for me. Sunday’s suck camel balls.

Being woken up at 6am by a screaming child is not the way I like to start my day. And definitely not that fucking early. Joys of living with a 4 year old.

My first blunder of the day, setting off the smoke alarm whilst making toast. The fuck. Clearly I can’t cook toast without it cheering me on.

Second blunder. 10 minutes into my walk to work and I realise I still have my slippers on. Bright rainbow unicorn slippers…what a cunt I looked.

After That, I walked to my old workplace instead of my new one. Clearly my conscience is missing Sailors.

Moral of my story. Don’t wake up before 8am. No sleep makes me more fucking dippy than a high school blonde from Nebraska. (Yes I’m referencing Penny).

So now to give myself some well needed r&r time. I’m going to do some research on character names for my book.

Also that’s bullshit. I’m going to watch fantastic beasts with my best friend. Good excuse though eh?

P.s. if you’re offended by my blonde reference…man the fuck up. I’m taking the piss out of myself and a fictional character.

P.s.p.s if you’re offended by my man up reference. Then fuck me, I wouldn’t read anymore of my posts from now on.

G’day.

First of all. I wouldn’t even be here sharing my life with you strangers if my year 11 English teacher didn’t give a shit.

Dear Mr Chadwick.

Everyone has people in their lives who have helped them become who they are today. Whether it was a close friend encouraging you to pursue your passion for dancing (Flashdance, one of the greats) or a favourite musician helping you through the bad times (Bon Jovi was always there for me in my teens, it’s my life. Classic).

You were the person who pushed me to do well in my English GCSE and for that I want to thank you. I thank you for reading all of my long-winded essays on how tragic it was that George shot Lenny in Of Mice and Men. I thank you for listening to me reading aloud all of the hard work i was proud of. I thank you for encouraging me to read more books in genres that I would never have considered before, like Frankenstein. That will always be one of my favourite books. Most of all, I thank you for your time and your enthusiasm to teach sixteen year old dickheads who would hardly ever listen. I thank you for how driven you were to make us all succeed, even though we weren’t as half as enthusiastic as you were. Because of teachers like you, the ones who care, people like me believed in themselves and pursued a path that they’ve always dreamed of.

I hope that where ever you are, whatever you are doing, you’re happy. It’s the least you deserve for helping me become who I am today.

Sincerely

Stacey Chapman

Clough Hall Technology School

Kidsgrove

Year 11 student in 2008.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton